It's over
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Brendan feelings as he realizes that Ste isn't coming back to him. A one shot.


**Its over :)**

You gave me everything, when all I did was break your heart, it's ironic how our roles have reversed now, call it karma…I guess. I don't just miss ye, I miss us and although there will come a day when I don't anymore, it doesn't help me when that day isn't today. I will never tell ye, but I hate living my life without ye…I just don't want to, but I have no choice now. I see you with Douglas, the American makes ye happy I know and I want ye to be happy…I do, but it still affects me deeply, it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I have no one to blame but myself. I remember, you didn't walk away, I let ye go. I regret that every single day believe me. What's that saying? You never know how much someone means to ye until they're gone…well it's true. The thing is, for me it's always been you….always. I've tried to fight it, I've tried to deny it, but I can't anymore because you Steven Hay are undeniable. I know ye are out of my life, I feel it every second, I feel the complete emptiness and the loneliness, knowing that I no longer get to touch ye, to love ye, but he does.

Somewhere we went wrong, maybe we just met at the wrong time. I wasn't ready to give ye all the things back then that I'm ready to give ye now. I'm not the person I used to be. Are you so blinded by him that ye can't see it? Open your eyes Steven and look at me, tell me ye see a different man now…please. I told ye once that I could change and I can, I wished one time that you'd see some good in me, but you didn't and I don't think ye ever have. I wonder if I will ever be free of ye and if you will ever stop invading my thoughts because right now it feels impossible to stop loving you. I thought ye felt the same for me at one time but ye couldn't have done, because when ye really love someone, you can never say goodbye. Maybe you never really loved me at all, but I did love ye and I still love ye and no matter how hard I try, I cannot just look at you and pretend to feel nothing anymore.

I said so many words that caused you to leave and turn your back on me forever. I smacked the light out of your eyes until they were black with fear. I wish I could take it all back, erase the past…our past and the damage I have done. I wish I had the chance to hold you again. Without ye I am heartbroken, maybe my heart was next in line…maybe everything breaks sometimes. I didn't even know I had a heart, until I met you. You have changed me Steven Hay, do you know that? My whole life is a mess right now and all I can think about is you and your beautiful face. I don't eat or sleep properly and I drink far too much, I've discovered feelings that are so new to me. I want to hear ye voice, but I haven't got the guts to call ye, I'm too afraid of what ye might say, as I know I've left it all too late. Have I left it too late? I see Douglas holding your hand, but does he hold your heart Steven? No matter what happens and how much time has passed, you will always hold mine.

I guess I can never really move on when I still see ye, I have thought about moving away and leaving ye behind, but something always stops me….you always stop me. There is a gap in my life that only you can fill, I want ye back, I want my life to be restored to its former glory, I want ye to look at me the way you used to. I want to spend the rest of my life putting things right and making it up to ye, for all the bad things I've done. Do ye think you will ever be able to forgive me? Why did I keep pushing ye away? We could have been happy, I know that and that is perhaps the hardest thing to know. I messed it all up, just like I mess everything up and you are never coming back to me now. I thought ye would, I thought you'd be back in my arms, my bed and my life but ye became stronger and ye finally realized that I wasn't worth it after all. Ye moved on, ye outgrew me.

You broke me, ye broke my heart, ye broke everything! But I guess I did exactly the same to you. You turned my world upside down and inside out, but for the love we had….ye know when it was good, it was worth it. We really were good together sometimes weren't we? Steven, I am not as tough as I look, in time I would have let my guard down and I would have given ye everything you could have ever wanted. Do ye remember how your hand fitted perfectly into mine? I used to think that nothing could ever hurt me, as long as you were by my side. I remember when ye used to put your arms around me and tell me that I am the man you loved, I felt like a king. There isn't anyone in the whole world better than you, it just took me a while to figure it out. Losing ye is the worst thing I have ever done and I will regret it till the end of time…I promise ye. So now I'm finally letting go of my fake smile, the tears are slowly rolling down my face and the realization has hit me now after all this time.

Its over.

**Please review :-) xxxx**


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